Parenting when suffering from complex trauma including emotional abuse

When I was growing up I had no idea what it was like to feel truly loved except by my father's mother, and that closeness was removed when I was only 3 years old when my family moved from Elyria, Ohio to Hammond, Indiana. I rarely saw my grandmother after that, but it didn't mean I didn't love her or that I didn't know that she still loved me. What it meant was that I didn't get to feel loved by anyone because even though my father did show me some affection, he was devoured by demons called alcohol and illicit drugs that stole him from me.

My mother didn't learn how to parent because her parents were awful examples. Her life with her nine siblings in a tiny, two-bedroom house in Elyria, Ohio was rife with dysfunction, including abusive slurs from their drunken father, and they watched as two of their brothers were chronically emotionally and physically abused by both parents. No one hugged anyone; everyone was afraid all of the time.

Not every one of those children ended up being an abusive parent to their own children. My Aunt Wanda, for example, while not perfect by any means, did not abuse her children. She did not demean her daughters when they became very heavy-set in their teens, and she showed many children love, including me and my brother, in her own, gentle way. Aunt Wanda made a decision to not continue the cycle of abuse. To me, it is very much a decision someone makes, not just a 'given' because you grew up in that kind of environment.

Last night my 6-year old son climbed on my belly as I lay comfortably in bed watching Pride and Prejudice (the ONLY version in my eyes... the 2005 one with Kiera Knightly). He just wanted what we call "huggah-loveah". I am not sure how it came up, but I told Mason what a lucky boy he is to get so much love from his mom and dad and I told him that I did not get hugged when I was little except from Aunt Wanda (who he lovingly calls "Motty", his adopted Grandmother), and that no one told me they loved me. He looked at me, very seriously through his black glasses, his green eyes shiny, "well, didn't your mom like you?" and I said, "I don't think so," and he replied, "well that's mean". Out of the mouths of babes.

When he left my room to go to bed I reflected on raising his four grown up siblings, and how I now watch my two oldest sons doting and loving on their own daughters, and I am so proud of them. I am proud of me, too, because they didn't know what it felt like to have a distant mother who didn't like them, who constantly criticized, demeaned and belittled them. They didn't know what it felt like to have no one to run to when all of the bullying felt like too much, what it feels like learning that crying didn't help anyway, what it feels like when your body just wanted to scream "STOP HURTING ME!", but when I came home the bullying just kept going. They didn't have to grow up craving something they had no words for because they didn't even know what it was they were missing. I am so glad for that every day and so glad little Mason will be a wonderful father one day because he is being raised by a very affectionate father.

The point of this is that even if you were raised in a household where you were not treated like you should have been, where you were not treasured as a beautiful soul, a wonderful person, someone your parent or parents were so happy to have in their lives, that does not mean you have to treat your own children like that. Who says so? Wouldn't you want your children to feel differently than you did growing up? Trust me, it did NOT make you into who you are today. That's bullshit. Granted, some of that experience gives you resilience, but it doesn't contribute to your ability to be successful.

One of the greatest goals of my own healing journey is to speak to others on the damage that abuse does to children, particularly emotional abuse. I want to teach parents how to STOP the cycle, how to make the decision to do things differently, to watch their words, and understand how they cut so much deeper than any fist or belt ever could. I want parents to understand that just because THEY were raised a certain way does not mean it was RIGHT. For example, constantly picking at your kid, or controlling everything they do the moment they wake up until the moment they go to bed, instilling fear or anxiety in them doesn't do them any good whatsoever. It creates children who become anxious adults who question their own judgements, among other things. Refer to my SIHPs section to see what else it does to them.

It's never to late to quit doing it. It's never to late to apologize. It's never to late to try and be a better parent, even if your child has their own children already, or even if they have their own grand children. It's never too late to realize errors in judgement and to make it right from this moment forward.