Emotional abusers will likely NEVER admit they're abusive. Ever.

My main childhood abuser has never admitted that she was abusive to me. As a matter of fact, for many years she had my children convinced that I was crazy, that I made it all up, that I manufactured my experiences. Most of my children believed her because after I finally cut that toxic cord in 2010, my abuser decided to befriend my ex-husband and his wife (who, by the way, my abuser used to despise). Anyway, they had the grandest of times talking about my evil ways and my children were the audience.

Here's the thing. One of the very first major moves in your healing journey is to learn to not give a flying F. Yep. You have to get yourself to that place. For me, it took a few years and listening to the late Wayne Dyer, reading his books, to help me get there. Once I got there, though, the peace I felt was so immense, so gratifying, so freeing! They all could say what they wanted (they still do by the way); it didn't matter to my happiness and still doesn't. Yes, it bothered me that they involved my children, but I knew that one day my children would grow and they would see the truth. I could be patient enough to wait that out. After all, my experience with my abuser wasn't THEIR experience and I didn't want to affect their relationship, even though I had every right to do that.

Fast forward 16 years and the crazy is all over the place. My children are grown and most of them have sadly experienced what my abuser hid from them for decades. I'm sad for them, really. It's so hard to see my children hurt from a horrible person who is related to them, and while I no longer feel anything for this person, them hurting my own children brings out a very violent, protective, mama bear instinct that I am struggling to control. It is a good thing we live 8 hours apart.

Recently I had a conversation with a friend... my longest friend in the entire world. We were born one day apart and have known each other since birth. He grew up in an emotionally abusive home and I had to watch it, albeit from a long distance. He has been following my SIHPs and mentioned that his abuser will not admit what they did, or how wrong, or how damaging it was. Nope. They won't. It's just not how they're wired, especially if their a narcissist, which many of them are.

If you are in this situation, where you parent was and is an emotional abuser, I need you to hear me. They WILL NOT CHANGE. They WILL NOT ADMIT IT. They will blame you, blame everyone else, minimize your experiences, gaslight you, and all of the things you'll read about in the SIHPs I post. Let that need for validation from them GO! You will not get it. You don't need it, really. The best thing to do is cut the cord quickly, or slowly if quickly is too much for you, and go on living. Heal while you're seeking happiness and joy.

You want to know something that I find interesting? My abuser has been in therapy finally. Do you think the therapist has diagnosed her accurately? I highly doubt it. These types of people are like chameleons, which makes the process of stopping emotional abusers really difficult, especially before they do too much damage to their children. I mean, if a therapist cannot accurately diagnose them, then what chance do we have of saving these kids? It's something that keeps me up at night.

Do I think these people are inherently evil? No. I believe God created our souls in his image and we all have crosses to bear and choices to make. We're put in situations and we can either suffer and come out better, or suffer and hurt others because of the suffering we experienced. I'm of the opinion these people suffered in some way and instead of finding healthy ways to cope, ways to heal themselves and do better for the next generation, they feel the need to hurt the most vulnerable in their care and that breaks my heart.

People who emotionally abuse other people generally suffer from one or more of these disorders, but it is important to note that just because someone has one of these disorders does not mean they will abuse their children. Child abuse is extremely complex and abusers may not seek help or psychological diagnoses.

• Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

  • parents (or partners) with BPD struggle with regulating their emotions, have extreme impulsivity, a distorted sense of self, and intense, often unstable relationships.

  • these parents can 'parentify' their children, using them to satisfy their own emotional needs

  • they have unpredictable and intense emotional outbursts (mainly anger and despair)

  • they use guilt and manipulation to attempt to control their child

  • they neglect their child's emotional needs because they are consumed by their own
    

• Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

  • parents (or partners) with NPD might abuse their children because they see them as extensions of themselves, only showing love when they think the child deserves it/earns it/achieves it

  • they may also demean the child to maintain their own sense of superiority, especially if the child appears to be more attractive, more intelligent, or has opportunities the parent felt they didn't have
    

• Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD).

  • this parent (or partner) disregards the rights of other people

  • they lack empathy

  • they have a history of violating social norms and laws

  • cases like this are often overt and involve cruelty, manipulation, and a complete lack of remorse for harm caused to their child/partner
    

• Major Depressive Disorder (MDD).

  • a deeply depressed parent may be emotionally and physically unavailable

  • this leads to profound emotional neglect

  • parents may not be able to respond to their child's cries or needs

  • they exhibit a lack of emotion when interacting with their child

  • have no motivation or energy for parenting tasks
    

• Bipolar Disorder.

  • people who parent with Bipolar have unpredictable shifts from severe depression to extreme mania

  • life is very destabilizing for children

  • neglect is common during depressive phases

  • during manic phases, parent can be hyper-irritable, impulsive, and unstable

The best things to do for your own self, no matter how old you are (as long as you're old enough to make your own decisions):

• Cut any cords connecting you to your abuser.... financial, emotional, physical. Quickly is better, but if you cannot, then do it one step at a time, knowing the abuser will not like it

• Make decisions for you and your own family; do what is best for you and them (if you have a partner/your own children)

• Seek happiness in small and big things

• Seek healing, one small step at a time

• Try not to look back and live in the past. Make a decision to live for right now, every day.

References

Goodman, S. H., & Gotlib, I. H. (Eds.). (2002). Children of depressed parents: Mechanisms of risk and implications for treatment. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association. This comprehensive volume outlines how maternal depression (and paternal depression) is a robust risk factor for child neglect and emotional dysregulation in children.

Gopalan, G., Goldstein, L., & Spigelman, G. (2015). "Personality Disorders and Parenting." The Handbook of Personality Disorders: Theory, Research, and Treatment. New York: Guilford Press. This synthesis of research demonstrates strong links between Cluster B personality disorders (BPD, NPD, ASPD) and child maltreatment, specifically emotional abuse.

Lovejoy, M. C., Graczyk, P. A., O'Hare, E., & Neuman, G. (2000). "Maternal depression and parenting behavior: A meta-analysis of observation studies." Clinical Psychology Review, 20(5), 561-592. This meta-analysis shows a strong negative impact of maternal depression on warm, sensitive, and structured parenting.

Main, M., Hesse, E., & Goldwyn, R. (2008). "Studying the organization of attachment in the Adult Attachment Interview." In Clinical Implications of Attachment (pp. 31-68). Routledge. This foundational work demonstrates how a parent's internal state regarding their own attachment history strongly predicts their child-rearing behavior.

McEachern, A. D., et al. (2008). "Intergenerational transmission of emotion dysregulation: The mediating role of attachment security." Development and Psychopathology, 20(3), 735-757

Stepp, S. D., Whalen, D. J., Pilkonis, P. A., Hipwell, A. E., & Levine, M. D. (2012). "Children of mothers with Borderline Personality Disorder: Identifying parenting behaviors and child outcomes." Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, 15(3), 236–251. This review details how BPD symptoms impair parenting and can lead to emotional abuse.